Sunday, 28 November 2010

MORTIFIED POLICE DENY BEING INJURED BY PONCES

OFFICERS policing yesterday's student demonstrations have returned to work with serious injuries rather than admit they were hurt by some ponce called Ollie.

Many have claimed they were run over by a horse or fell off a drunk woman in a holding cell in a bid stop their colleagues finding out they were banjoed by some humanities-studying dipshit from Buckinghamshire.

Assistant commissioner, Roy Hobbs, said: "If the criminal element know we can be knocked on our arses by somebody sporting an absurd sense of entitlement and a man-bag we may as well set fire to the whole city right now."

Hundreds of protesters were 'kettled' during yesterday's demonstration, drawing comparisons with 1970's Kent State Massacre from a first-year history student with a full bladder and a head full of monkey turd.

But violence erupted as soon as police moved the crowd into a 3G black spot, leaving many unable to update their Twitter feeds with comments that will come back to haunt them when they are earning six figures at HSBC.

One police officer said: "I never thought I'd be kicked in the face by a pair of Doc Martens with daisies painted on them.

"When I got home, I told the wife I was in the evidence lockup pinching the kids some Christmas presents when a load of seized pornorgraphy fell on my head.

"If she knew the truth I'd be little more than a PCSO in her eyes and that's no kind of life."

Ollie Bishop, a furious and passionate 19 year-old from High Wycombe, added: "Gotta get down to it, soldiers are gunning us down. Should have been done long ago. What if you knew her and found her dead on the ground? How can you run when you know?

"Actually - forget that - she's fine. I think she just dropped her iPad."


News story courtesy of The Daily Mash

Thanks to my good friend Blue Eyes for pointing me towards this.

74 comments:

Blue Eyes said...

I thought you would like it ;-)

The Blue Light Run said...

Nice work. :-)

Hogday said...

ROFL. Ah that rush of real adrenaline for the first time. How the students from the shires must treasure their first demo - YAAAAAAWN.

TheBinarySurfer said...

Hah, nice.

phiangle said...

Sorry, slightly off topic, but I have been wondering for a while now, what is the significance of your title 'Area Trace No Search'?

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MCM said...

Sh1juro, me old mate be advised that -

- it is probably not wise to put he word :"c*nt" on their blog and then have a link to a picture of a phallus - which to be bruatlly honest, looks suspiciously like a children's toy.

The sort of toy that a certain sort of man might present to his children .


....at least that is what could be easily pointed out by a good solicitor when presenting certain facts to a court as a precursor to visitation rights.

Get my drift?

officer and a lady said...

phiangle - I'm hoping this isn't a waaah attempt.

Anyway, a common radio phrase used by us is "Area Search, no trace" , eg. the area of offence has been searched for persons matching description of suspects etc, no trace thereof.

I would imagine ATNS is having a bit of a "play on words".

phiangle said...

@officer and a lady

Thank you for that!

Phi

Anonymous said...

You fucking smug little police cunt with a low salary and low IQ. Don't forget the police are there to be used by society, by the rest of us. To stand around stopping people nicking things or going into places and out of places, ride around on faggy little mountain bikes or cars going "Oi, don't do that or I'll nick you!" to people, essentially glorifed security guards rarely needing to use your own brains, and to fill in forms and follow loads of procedure because you've proved to be so corrupt and untrustworthy as an institution over the years that you have to now be micromanaged by the courts and all that paperwork. You have no power, and you are subject to higher principles you would have learned about in training but have evidently forgotten if your blog betrays anything about you. Remember the rule of law? You're subject to it, and a mere cog in the machine to effect it, not the law itself. Fucking pig.

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